I believe. ..only for today

I believe …only for today.

A.a
Have you ever had those moments when you desperately need Allah?
The days we cling so hard on the hope that He got you?
The days when no human can be of help to you?
The days you wish you had a good slate of good deeds, just to please Allah s.w.t and in return you can get help?
In an exam room and yo sure you haven’t read yo best and you thinking Allah s.w.t is yo only hope that they may set only what you know?
The days when everyone is talking about how you can’t have kids and you’ve had all tests possible and you can’t help but ask Allah to send favour on you?
The list goes on and on…
Here goes today’s story

It’s mid week and unlike usual today am up so early. You must be wondering what got me (the sleepiest girl in the house) up this early.
Sadly,I couldn’t sleep.I have a job interview today at exactly 8am.Am not sure am excited but I can say am desperate. It’s been ages of job searching and this one interview feels like a dream.
Let’s go back a few hours ago.At 9.pm and am done with my usual two spoons of dinner.I feel anxious,confused and unstable.
With an aim of getting up early, I set out to select a perfect piece for tomorrow’s occasion. “A bold maroon top and a black pencil skirt would nail it just fine.”I think.This was me trying to imagine how courageous I’d be tomorrow. Shoes…”check!”
Headscarf. ..”check!”
Handbag. ..”check!”
Notebook ,wallet and portfolio in the handbag. ..”check!”

“That’s was quick!”..I say to the heroe in font of my mirror.
“Now you only need to sleep and wake up early.”
I quickly change to my baggy pajamas and in no time am in bed.
well  i also have a degree in sleeping and chilling out in my bed.But today aint my usual days..I feel unsettled😔…I don’t know what I haven’t done…I feel like this one thing could mean everything tomorrow but I clearly can’t figure what this is…😞
I can’t sleep. ..yet today of all days..sleep is important.

Just to avoid the questions in my head I take my phone and try to complete a book I was seriously into on wattpad ‘once upon a qadr ‘
And sadly again…I still can’t concentrate. So I decided to just stare at my walls till sleep comes my way.well my wall ain’t interesting. I have only two pieces of art.one is some batik thingy I did in my campus projects and the other one is a piece that reminds me am muslim. It says “subhanallah walhamdulillah wa laillaha ila Allah”
I quickly read out this words and it hits me..”I haven’t prayed. ..and that was what was bothering me”

I step out of bed and I find myself standing before my mirror. Am not sure if praying for only tonight will make a difference. “This feels like am only a Muslim when I need You ”
“Honestly Allah s.w.t.,we both know I haven’t been so good 😒”
“Swear I feel like am ‘using’ you😞”
So without convincing myself further I rushed to the bathroom and made wudhu..And I silently wrapped myself up for prayer.
But before I start I decide I want to apologise to Allah. .
“My Rabb, am not sure if I should stand before You asking while I barely stand here to just worship You.I am a sinner.You and I know that.But who else can I run to right now except You.I hate how I feel right now and I doubt I want to feel this ever.I just need You tomorrow soo badly.i sincerely deserve not your favours for I haven’t been a dutiful slave of Yours but please don’t turn away my plead.
Please help😭😓”
So I set our to pray isha and a sunna afterwards. Hoping that I get my dua answered tomorrow.

So at 8am I walk through that office door and I meet the lady in charge of the design studio and….

But Allah says
Az-Zumar 53
53. Qul ya AAibadiya allatheena asrafoo AAala anfusihim la taqnatoo min rahmati Allahi inna Allaha yaghfiru alththunooba jameeAAan innahu huwa alghafooru alrraheemu

Say: “O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah: for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

Always your girl
Diary of a muslimah
Fatma ibrahim
Cheers 😘😘😘