Ya Allah. …save me…save me from my soul

Assalam aleikum warahmatullahi wa barakatuhu
It’s been ages . Apparently I didn’t wanna blog this ramadhan. I wanted to try different routines so as to change something about me that I can’t stand. (Ain’t telling though )

With no special story in mind. ..today am the topic.,you are the topic.

Sitting in the office, late morning and as usual am struggling to be awake. Most of the time remedy for this is sleeping, but my boss is around hence I decide I’ll distract myself. I go to a colleague and I pretend to have a question for her.
You must be wondering why am asking her…well am still on that 3 month probation before you get your long awaited job opportunity. And Mrs Boss had insisted I could always sort help from anyone but mostly her.

Automatically, as we women something gets us together. We all know if you wanna know if someone is your true girlfriend. .on the vetting list…her gossip must be tasty. And at this I gave her a 9.
So back at it.She gives me that eye that she has something she’s hiding and immediately we start a mini – war with me trying to convince her to spill the story.
But just before she did…inside me I really didn’t want to gossip today. Not in ramadhan. ..no not this month…I don’t want to spoil my slate. …
(Still inside me lives a devil that flourishes with gossip. )And clearly that devil never gives in easily.

As we know we all have this weakness we can’t stop….so I let her spill even with all the fear inside me.I tried to act like I didn’t want more but I did..more and more and more.
In no time,it was lunch hour and I sat hopeless on my praying mat trying to compose a prayer that can make my Rabb forgive me. I was embarrassed of myself and felt soo unworthy. ..I just needed my Lord.

And my Rabb tells us

“O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah . Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
Az-Zumar 39:53

It’s hard to convince yourself that there’s forgiveness but there is. ..And he can forgive all of us …provided you regret, admit and promise never to do it again.

More than anything I’ve learnt this ramadhan is my soul is my enemy. My soul  makes the devil accomplish things.My soul. ..my soul. ..my nafs. ..my nafs.

Ya Allah save me from my nafs…save me Lord save me…

Saum maqbul sweeties,
always your girl
Diary of a muslimah
Fatma ibrahim
Cheers 😘